By the time most couples seek counseling, they are often
experiencing entrenched cycles of blame and attack that undermine their desire
for intimacy and connection. These cycles can become powerfully habitual and
difficult to change.
Psychotherapist and researcher Sue Johnson has illuminated the biological and
instinctual basis of the need for a secure connection with our mates.When this connection is threatened through
conflict or withdrawal, the nervous system may respond to the threat with a
fight, flight or freeze instinctual defense. This perceived threat can create a
physiological arousal that leads to elevated heart rate and increased muscular
tension and an impaired ability to think and communicate constructively. Each partner must learn to recognize when interaction is becoming counterproductive and then calm and soothe themselves before trying to continue.
In order to interrupt these cycles, I encourage couples to
pause when destructive or hurtful remarks are made and to slow down enough to
connect with what is going on in each person's body and emotions. Becoming
willing to risk communicating these more vulnerable feelings can provide
opportunities for the softening of defenses and increased empathy and
connection.
I help each partner find new ways to express requests,
feelings and feedback in a way that promotes collaboration and connection. Each
partner must find the willingness to listen and to see their mate in fresh
ways. This involves setting aside pre-existing assumptions and beliefs to make
room for the creation of new patterns of interaction. Gradually, a couple can
increase their ability to begin with a conflict, express it to each other in a
way that is constructive, share underlying feelings, experience increased
closeness and find new compromises and solutions to old problems. The
repetition of this experience gives each person's nervous system the repeated
experience of something positive resulting from processing difficult issues. As
a result, a climate of increased trust and safety is created.
The process is usually gradual and involves setbacks. It is
surprisingly difficult at times for couples to risk
allowing themselves to feel closer and happier together. The increased
investment in the relationship brings an increased risk of loss and old
defenses may be triggered. But, with courage and persistence, new, more constructive habits of connection and communication can be established, bringing a new climate of increased trust and intimacy.
